AUTHOR
Steven Burns
Hi! I’m Steven. I’m a professional therapist, coach, trainer & author with over 20 years experience. I teach the latest psychological tools and techniques to help you transform and make a difference.
Do you live a fulfilling life?
Could it be more fulfilling?
Fulfilment is an interesting subject because it’s so subjective.
For example, if you’ve experienced an abundance of success and live a materialistically wealthy life, it doesn’t mean that you’ll feel fulfilled by default.
And conversely, if you lack material wealth and haven’t achieved much in the way of success – by society’s standards – it doesn’t mean that can’t feel a rich sense of fulfilment with what you do have – there are many people who have achieved lots yet are still miserable, and there are people who have very little yet still manage to etch out all manner pleasure and meaning from life.
Fulfilment is also a moving picture: what triggered feelings of it in you when you were 18 could very well be different to what triggers it when you’re 40.
Despite both these realities though, there are some basic principles that are worth keeping in mind.
There are many elements to living a fulfilling life, and it’s something we have to keep a continual awareness of, but there are some simple ideas you can internalise that can make a big difference.
Here are 5 methods you can add to your repertoire that can help you live a more fulfilled life.
They all contain practical insights that can make a real difference – I also promise that none of them involve donning buddhist monk robes and having to meditate for 20 years :-).
Method 1: "Meaning" is greater than "Feeling good"
We often buy into the idea that, “feeling good” is the ultimate goal of living – the crucial barometer of success.
If you feel good then that must mean you’re living a fulfilling and worthwhile life, right?
Well, perhaps, but possibly no.
“Feeling good” is important, that’s for sure. You just have to look at the multitude of ways we employ to get a hit of dopamine.
Going to the movies, exercise, eating a nice meal, drinking a glass of wine, reading a book, spending time with friends. The list could go on an on.
To “feel good” is one of our main drivers so it’s not unusual for people to use this as a gauge for how they’re doing in life.
But to use it as the sole indication of a fulfilling life is superficial.
There’s a more important layer beneath the surface that we need to pay attention to.
Feeling good is often a bi-product of engaging in fulfilling activities, but it can also be a bi-product of many other things, like the many activities that provide potentially toxic instant gratification.
Social media platforms like Facebook are designed to give you little hits of dopamine – think about what it feels like when you get lots of likes – so that you become addicted to trawling through meaningless drivel.
People who take drugs, or drink alcohol excessively, are doing it, in part, because it’s a way to feel good quickly.
In fact, many dangerous addictions are triggered and maintained by the drive to “feel good” – or at least as a form of escapism, to “not feel bad”.
So while “feeling good” can be used as a barometer when it comes to living a meaningful and fulfilling life, I’d like to suggest that it also comes with its in-built inaccuracies.
It can sometimes take us in a wildly destructive direction, throwing us headlong into toxic hedonism that can produce all manner of unpleasant consequences.
So instead, I’d recommend you shift your attention from feeling good to meaning.
It sounds obvious, but it’s a mistake that many people make.
They subconsciously put “feeling good” above “meaning” when it should be the other way around.
So instead of asking yourself, “What can I do today that will make me feel good?”, ask, “What can I do today that will be meaningful?”
“What can I do today that will be meaningful?”
If you do that the good feelings will follow and they will be more ecological and long-lasting.
When we engage in activities that are meaningful we might not get the instant gratification we sometimes crave, but the feeling of fulfilment we get will run deep, and nourish our soul in ways that getting 50 Facebook likes can’t compete with.
So what could you do today, tomorrow and in the coming weeks, months and years that would be meaningful?
It’s a powerful question to consider.
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Method 2: Practice Single Tasking
We live in a world where we’re continually being bombarded by a multitude of messages and requests.
Mobile phones, the internet, tablets, social media, Netflix.
The amount of choice we have, when it comes to choosing where to place our attention, is staggering.
All terrifically useful inventions of course, but they do come with a potential pitfall.
We are in danger of being over-stimulated.
Our ability to focus and concentrate on a single task is becoming impaired.
We are fragmenting our attention to the extent where it’s becoming more & more difficult to not be chronically distracted.
I remember a friend of mine posting a selfie of himself at a Radiohead concert on social media. The caption said, “Having such an amazing time at the Radiohead concert!”
I thought to myself, “No you’re not, you’re having an amazing time on Facebook posting about being at a Radiohead concert.”
Nothing against my friend – and sharing on Facebook can be enjoyable too – but it’s important to know the difference between fully engaging with an activity and flicking between two different things.
So single tasking is where you move away from multi-tasking and focus all of your attention on the activity you’re currently engaging with.
Your full attention.
No phones, no tablets, no T.V on in the background vying for your attention — unless the task is to watch T.V of course.
It’s only by doing this that you can immerse yourself enough to feel the full level of appreciation of the experience you’re having.
If all you ever do is skim over the surface of experiences, then you’ll miss most of the pleasure and meaning they’ll have to offer.
So whatever you do, commit.
Go deep and lose yourself.
And that doesn’t mean you can’t do more than one thing by the way. It just might require you to divide your day into “blocks”.
Then whenever you do something in each block, you do it exclusively, giving it your full attention. You single task, and then move onto the next block.
When you single task, you appreciate more, which leads to a more fulfilling experience of life.
Method 3: Be Purposeful, be goal driven
Most people know by now the importance of being goal-oriented.
In my opinion, there are limitations to being exclusively goal-driven but it’s still important that you make it a large part of your life.
When we don’t set goals we leave life too much down to chance.
We might get what we want but there’s a high chance we won’t.
When we take the time to explore and plan out our goals, we increase the chances of heading in the right direction.
It’s like we’re painting a target on our desired destination so we know which way we’re heading, which then makes it possible for us to mobilise the resources required to get us there.
Goal setting is a large topic but one mistake people can make is to set goals that are dictated by what’s expected of them.
They allow their teachers, peer groups, or parents, to decide their future.
Or worse, they look at celebrities and think that being rich and owning a Ferrari is a healthy indication of a fulfilling life.
A fancy car and a healthy bank balance could be a sign that they are living a life rich with meaning and purpose, but it could also be a sign of deep insecurity and an insatiable need to impress people with material wealth.
It’s important to recognise what fulfilment would be for you, not someone else. Then craft some goals that fit.
So if you’re looking to create a goal that leads to fulfilment, I’d recommend you ask explore the following questions:
- What’s important to me?
- What would be a good fit for me?
- What would resonate within me as being important?
Or even:
- What would I love to do that I perhaps don’t want to admit?
And then allow goals to present themselves, as a result of exploring the questions.
In traditional goal setting you are often told to ask the question, “What do I want?” but this can often lead to superficial – and sometimes quite boring – answers.
It can be much more fulfilling to consider questions related to “importance, “resonance”, and “Love”. These are much more meaningful explorations.
Go ahead, ask yourself the questions and see what comes up.
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Method 4: Appreciate your Ripple Effect
We often don’t appreciate it but our actions impact the world in ways that go beyond individuality.
Even when we are self-indulging it will have some effect on those around us.
As human beings we belong to systems:
Family systems; work-places; communities; cultures; countries; and beyond.
We also affiliate with different causes and group ideologies.
We don’t just exist as single entities, we exist in a complex network of systems.
Because of this, everything we do will have an impact at a level greater than ourselves.
We don’t always realise it, and some actions clearly will have more impact than others, but we all cause a ripple effect – a tremor throughout the systems we belong to through our actions and interactions.
One of the benefits to this is that our actions are a lot more meaningful than we realise.
If you’re a teacher and you help a student overcome a maths problem, who knows where that might lead.
Are you just helping them with a math problem, or are you setting in motion a chain reaction that builds their self-belief leading to greater and more meaningful achievements?
If you’re a writer, it’s not just about getting your book written and published. It’s about how your words will affect the people who read it.
Even if you’re just a small part in a greater achievement that’s beyond you, you’re still playing a contributing, and significant role.
Taking time to connect with this is vital when it comes to living a more fulfilling life.
We don’t have to be the king or queen of the world to feel fulfilled, we just have to engage in meaningful actions and appreciate the ripple effect they could have.
By doing so we may not have a wealth of material riches but we can still feel enormously wealthy.
So to connect with the ripple effect if your actions, consider the following questions:
- How does what you do go beyond you?
- How does your actions impact at a level greater than you?
We don’t always appreciate how we affect the greater systems we belong to so why not take the time to consider it now.
Method 5: Use “Time” to get Clarify what’s important
A friend of mine told me about an experience he had when he was young.
He was doing work experience in an old-folks home and frequently chatted with the residents.
Most were in at least their 80s and had lived full, and sometimes deeply fascinating, lives.
In general, they were open and honest when it came to discussions about their past so my friend asked them if, when they looked back at their lives, if they had any regrets.
Interestingly, almost all of them said that they had no regrets about the things they had done.
But what they did have regrets about were the things that they hadn’t done.
That they had left it too late to do certain activities that they deep-down wanted to do.
Now of course we all face restrictions. We can’t just do anything we please without appreciating the limits we face.
People have families, financial restrictions, and there will always be a wide variety of socio-economical factors that will influence our choice of activity and behaviour.
But even taking all of those elements into consideration, most people, at some stage of their life, allow fear, hesitation or social expectation to stop them from doing the things they want to do.
Or – and this is arguably even more dangerous – they put their dreams and desires on hold because they think that they have all the time in the world.
Unfortunately time is not endless, so we need to appreciate this or we run the risk of not making the best use of the time we have.
One method for doing this is to use your subjective experience of “time” to gain clarity into what’s important to you.
Time doesn’t have to be something that “slips away”.
It doesn’t have to be an enemy.
We can use it to remind ourselves of what’s really important.
To do this you can use a technique called The End of Life Strategy.
This is where you imagine, in your mind’s eye, going to the end of your life.
Where you are perhaps in an old-folks home sitting on your rocking chair, struggling to do anything apart from reminisce over your past.
If you were to put yourself in these shoes, would you have any regrets?
What activities, goals, dreams, desires would you have like to have done that you didn’t?
What people would you liked to have spent more time with?
Are there any psychological angsts or worries that now seem utterly pointless?
It sounds a morbid process but it’s not. In fact, it can be profoundly inspirational.
Sometimes we wait until it’s too late to seek clarity of purpose, or we take certain things for granted until they’re gone.
By going into the future like this, using our imagination, we can experience a sudden, sharp clarification regarding what’s important to us. And sometimes we need this.
Give it a quick go now.
If you were to continue going the way you are just now, when you get the end of your life will you have any regrets? What might you change?
Because there’s still time.
You might not be able to do everything you want, but you’ll be able to at least go for some of them.
Maybe you’ll uncover something that can make a big difference when it comes to leading a more fulfilling life.
Closing Comments
So there you have it. 5 methods for living a more fulfilling life. And none of them involved hugging a tree.
It’s not an exhaustive list by any means but if you adopt them, I’m sure it’ll make a big difference to your life.
We are all the writers of our own story so why not make it a rich, absorbing, and fulfilling tale.
All the best,
Steven
